Crushes Make Everyone Embarrassing, Not Just You

The other “system,” which can come later, regulates emotional bonding. “In primates, and many other species, a hormone called oxytocin is upregulated during social bonding activities, such as cuddling, kissing, and, among apes, grooming,” Dr. Slotter explains. “Scientists generally believe that this is the system that keeps us emotionally close and bonded with our deepest relationships. We see oxytocin increases in pregnant and nursing people, in parents hearing their babies cry, and when we kiss, cuddle, or orgasm with romantic partners.”

In romantic contexts, these two systems often work in tandem, Dr. Slotter says: “But they can be activated separately, which is why we can be attracted to someone but not have it truly be a crush or be emotionally bonded to someone we aren’t sexually interested in.”

Actual science and brain chemistry aside, crushes also feel intoxicating because they provide a reprieve from the real world. “Crushes allow us to access different parts of ourselves and play with different versions of reality,” says Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “They can allow us to escape the mundane, and add spark and spontaneity to our day if only for fleeting moments, allowing you to be the director and star of your own private production.”

That’s why some mental health experts, like Lynn Zakeri, therapist and owner of Lynn Zakeri LCSW Clinical Service, think of crushes as “mini thought vacations.” “They remind us of our youth, when we were innocent, and a crush was our biggest thought before our mind got cluttered with responsibilities and stressors,” she says. “Being able to take a vacation in our mind even as we are older is like going back to a carefree time of a crush.”

It doesn’t have to end there, though. As I learned while researching crushes and what people have done as a result of them, I was surprised to hear that despite the cringe, sometimes they really do end happily, rendering the need for a mini thought vacation moot.

For example, while Lily didn’t end up with her crush, the school she chose because of him was a blessing in disguise. “It was a pretty prestigious school, so I unintentionally leveled up,” she says.

Remember Chris, Mr. Phantom of the Opera? His grand gestures eventually paid off. “A mutual friend told me that my crush lost her favorite shoes in a cab, so I rode around to every cab company’s lost and found and then to several Goodwills and Salvation Army stores to try and find them. I had a photo for reference,” he says. “I didn’t find them but I told her what I did while drunk at a party and she thought it was sweet ,and we did end up dating for a few months.”